My Thoughts on Heroes Wanted

In my last post I spoke about about a short book called Being and Uncle. At the time, Being an Uncle spoke to me about some new roles I was playing in my life and was a good way to settle in those roles. This book by contrast set my life in a different direction about a year ago.

I remember dealing with some new thoughts and feelings and I asked God to guide me to a book He wanted me to read to help. After perusing the shelves for some time, this book stuck out to me. In reality, I probably saw the book and wanted to read it based on the fact it seemed relevant for what I was dealing with, not so much God pointing a neon sign at it. I've learned that God's sovereign Will has room for my own thoughts, desires, and decisions, and picking the wrong book to read won't derail some mysterious detailed itinerary for my life.

Heroes Wanted means a lot to me because it's the first book I chose to read for myself. It was the catalyst for my current reading habits and a big part of who I choose to be today.

A theme I enjoy in Heroes Wanted is that it focuses on the individual. As opposed to a cookie cutter approach, teaching what Christians should do or how they should behave as a whole, Heroes Wanted puts a spotlight on an individual's life, showing how someone's personality, relationships, history, and circumstances can be used as they are. The very first sentences in the book states: "The world needs heroes. Do you believe the world needs you?" Notice the emphasis on "you", not the "future you", not the you "you are supposed" to be, not the you "you once were". What a freeing Idea that God wants to use the "you" you are now.

Following the same format of my last post, I want to talk about the things in the book I chose to highlight. I hope this gives you a good idea of what to expect in Heroes Wanted, but I would urge you to read the book in its entirety if any of this sounds interesting or relevant to you.

"Genuine love doesn't demand attention for helping, and it doesn't create permanent dependance. Instead, this kind of love enables one to step into the shadows to let another shine."

I need this reminder sometimes. I'll be honest, it feels good to lead someone, and it's tempting to want seek some recognition for the effort. But, it should be satisfaction enough to see the other person doing well.

"Only can be perceived as either an obstacle or an incredible invitation to use your unique abilities and circumstances and rely on God's strength to make an impact right where you are... heroes realize amazing strides are gained when they commit to their only-their allotment of time, power, and ability-toward serving and uplifting others. In fact, only becomes a starting place rather than a limitation."

I learned that you don't need to wait on anything to start serving others. Learning to work within your limits and contexts takes away the stress and excuses for working on a larger front. In my own life, i've learned to care for others close to me at work, in my church, and in my family, using my own gifts and personality to connect with them in a unique way. I can learn to develop myself at times and yet pass on the things I do learn onto others whom I am close with. It's honestly why I keep reading, helpful things I read can enter into a casual conversation, giving me the opportunity to share what God does in my life.

"There is tremendous power in our presence...If we are to hope for any change, our presence must be consistent. Trust is not developed in an instant, it is earned over time... A mere wish for things to change wont show another person that they deserve the sacrifice and attention of others. A hero keeps restating the value of another person by being fully present and faithfully committed even when its uncomfortable."

Authentic relationships are important. If you want to help someone, you have to earn a meaningful and trusting place in their life. Without that trust, advice to them wont often be received well. Once a person knows you well and you have earned their trust, they will take what you have to say as they know you genuinely care about them and the details of their life.

I have seen this played out in some of my own relationships. In some cases I knew advice would be helpful, but I didn't feel a right to give it, or when I did it was not taken seriously. But when I took the time to invest in the relationship, I felt compelled to share and ignored my apprehension because I genuinely loved and cared about my friend. I didn't feel like a life critic anymore. Instead of seeing someone trying to lift a boulder out of the mud and coaching them from a distance, I chose to get down, dirty, and involved in the situation and speak from there as a teammate.

"We don't commit our hearts so that others will be grateful and make is feel good about ourselves. We give with the hope that God will use us to touch a life. We may or may not see the returns on our investments in others' lives, but we can be confident that they will pay big dividends."

Another important reminder for me. If I am too concerned with the returns on a relationship, I am tempted to do less. I have to trust God with my efforts.

"Empathy is our ability to identify with another person's hurts and needs, but compassion goes a step further and calls us to do what it takes to soothe the hurts and meet the needs."

Simply a distinction I enjoyed reading.

"He (Jesus) could have reversed the roles so that the man lying on the side of the road was the Samaritan and the hero a Jew, but He didn't. Instead, He made the desperately needy man a Jew and the samaritan the hero of the story. His point was that our social divisions are worthless - and worse than worthless - compared to the love that transcends divisions created by selfish and myopic human nature."

A quote I like to remind me that Social divisions are meaningless in context to the human race.

"To some degree, all of us have mixed motives, but when our primary motive is selfish, we often do more harm than good. Sometimes we simply do too much for the person, robbing him of personal integrity and the opportunity to learn and grow. And sometimes we dominate the person and give orders "for her own good", but it's more about our power than her growth. A hero knows the difference between control and compassion."

"Compassionate people have a robust definition of love. They say and do what's best for the other person, not what placates their demands or ignores destructive behaviors. With discernment, they step into another person's life to care without condemnation or control. They give out of a deep, encompassing love and not from the pull of insecurities or concerns about appearances."

"Providing a safe space for another person to open up can be the hardest, most intentional work we do in our heroic journey. It can also be the most profound, both for us and those we encounter."

I like this quote because it reinforces my tendency to be a listener. I have to remember to not offer a solution to someone too quickly, to try to "fix" life. Sometimes all a person needs is someone to listen and care, and offering a solution in the midst of that can actually detract from that experience. The book says to do this by keeping eye contact (not looking at the time or phone), ask relevant follow up questions, and don't rush to a solution. The book also stresses that its ok to have silence sometimes, just staying with the person is enough to show you are listening and caring.

"A hero looks for more times during the day to be a listening presence rather than a convincing force."

"...Avoid bringing the talk or the expressed problem to a close by wrapping it all up in a tidy bow. People rarely need you to solve their woes. Instead, they need you to come along side them as a caring witness of their journey."

It's also important not to interject our own experiences so quickly, to not derail the conversation. I need to work more on this. I need to find a balance to show I at least understand or can empathize with a situation, but not to make the conversation about me.

“when you speak, use the person’s name. Calling someone by name can be one of the most direct ways to create a relational bridge. you’ll notice how rarely we do that unless we are being confrontational.”

I have to work on this one. I don't normally use people's names, for some reason in my head it feels distancing, not connecting.

"Yelling only works if they know you love them... Discipline without love is ineffectual."

I love this quote. It comes from a story of some boys in a gymnasium that would not listen when it was time for class. The bell rang, and the teachers started to yell and berate the students and they still would not listen. Finally, a security guard said "ok boys, it's time to go". and they listened right away. This security guard made time to interact, care, listen to, and love the boys there. Because of that connection, the boys respected his words and instruction because they knew he cared about their wellbeing.

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."

"Love is not just action. Love is sacrificial action. Love always pays a price. Love always costs something. Love is expensive. When you love, benefits accrue to another's account. Love is for you, not for me. Love gives, it doesn't grab."

"The Strongest relationships aren't those that insist on conformity, but those that seek to find common ground even while appreciating one on another's uniqueness."

"Bridges are build on purpose for a purpose... bridges are often forgotten, weighed down by the burdens of others. But when they collapse, we are abruptly reminded of their necessity."

This quote talks about building bridges in community instead of walls.

"God is good and wise. He allows us to experience heartaches and setbacks so that we learn to trust Him and truly care for others. In fact, without struggles, we would conclude we don't need God at all."

"If we haven't struggled and learned the deep lessons that come from heartache, failure, and being misunderstood, we wont have anything to offer others."

This quote helps me struggle well. When things get tough, I can have courage that my experience can be used to connect with and help someone else in the future. kind of a "screw you" to satan in my opinion.

"Compassion and perspective are heightened and honed in the valley of struggle when mercy heals. Wounds become wisdom as an 'insider' to a particular kind of suffering is given insight into the need beneath a need. From that, a very abundant, meaningful charity emerges."

What this is saying is your personal experience can give you a special compassion for something. In the book it detail JAJF, a cancer organization not focused on curing cancer, but to support families and to help them create special legacy moments with their loved ones. It was started by someone who went through the struggle of stage 4 cancer and knew what it was like for their family from the inside. They saw a real familial and relational need behind just the disease, and they used that knowledge and experience to create something restorative for others in the same predicament that someone would not have otherwise known to develop.

If I can be vulnerable, I have some personal struggle from my dad. I will choose not to go into detail here, but his impact on my life was enough to have compassion for those with their own father issues. I find it is those people and those circumstances that I connect with the best because I understand the feelings and baggage that kind of background comes with.

“when we show up in the world as any other version of ourselves to please or achieve, that is not heroic; it is tragic.”

This is a reminder quote that in order to be there for the people around you, you have to be your real self. Bring your flaws, ugliness, and mistakes with you!

“Surprisingly our imperfections are a part of our heroic power. Imperfection is the underpinning of pain, and pain is the underpinning of a shared experience, which invokes empathy. This allows us to recognize needs; and, more importantly, it allows us to understand how we would want to be treated if we were in a similar situation– And then act on that understanding.”

“When you notice a person’s strengths and name and nurture them, she can overcome the negative the defeating voices that have told her she will never make it… Teenagers and young adults especially need regular and authentic affirmation. You need at least one person to see beyond their failures and surly dispositions to acknowledge the gem that’s in underneath. It takes work, and it takes faith to uncover the gem and make it shine.”

I jive with this quote a lot, especially in relation to my post about Being an Uncle. I need to keep this quote in mind with I am with my nieces, I want them to feel special, loved, and to feel they have something unique to offer this world. Not only my nieces but others in my life that are close to me that I have the opportunity and privilege of investing in.

“… don’t be surprised if some people push back and refuse to believe your affirmation and words of hope. When they reject kind words it tends to show how desperately they need to hear them… don’t push too hard. And don’t give up. They really need to hear what you have to say, but you may need to show your commitment by being consistent presence before they’re willing to start believing your message.”

Relationship and encouragement take time. Your words land with more weight, belief, and meaning when you take the time to cultivate an authentic relationship.

Those are the highlights of my highlights. I was planning to go over them all but there was just too much to write! The books has so many more useful things to say, so I highly encourage you to read this if any of the quotes above have made you curious.

I have other books that I have read that I want to talk about, but I think next post I’ll talk about my board gaming hobby. I have been enjoying a sense of balance lately and that would seem to be a nice break from the serious and spiritual, I am human after all!