My Thoughts on Friendish

And here we are again, new year, new book! For the holidays, I got about five new books to read. I chose to start with Friendish, and it was so enjoyable that I finished it before New Year’s Day. I was glued to it because its contents were relevant to what I was thinking and feeling in that season of my life.

To show how this book was relevant for me, I want to add a bit of personal context. In these blogs, I’ve chosen to display some vulnerability. I choose to do this because I feel it helps the reader to engage the content and see its application on a more personal level. Being vulnerable benefits me as well – by putting myself out there, I feel more connected and known by whomever chooses to read. If I’m going to be known and write, I want to be known as who I am, not some fake version of me I pretend to be.

So, some context. Looking back, my relational history could have been better. As far as friendships were concerned, I felt like they didn’t last long enough. Relationships thrive when three things are present: Consistency, Vulnerability, and Positivity. When thinking of my own relationships, I found that few of them were hitting all three markers.

When I was young, many of my childhood / teenaged friends moved away because the area was too expensive. Because of that, vulnerability was challenged because I felt like I didn’t get enough time to develop it with anyone. Consistency was also a challenge based on where I lived. I grew up on a hillside as opposed to a cul-de-sac, so rather than walking over to my friend down the street or next door to hang out, every time I wanted to see someone It had to be arranged. My relationships didn’t have the ability to be casual, my connections had to be planned.

Compounding my lack of friendships on the hillside, I was sort of an only child. Though I didn’t have any blood related siblings, I had three foster sisters. One sister, who was with us for a year, returned home and I lost most connection with her other than the occasional chat on Facebook. My two other “sisters” were with me just during the summer.

The closest thing I had to consistency were friends next door who became like family. They hung out with us a lot and even lived with us for a time - they even went on vacation with us to upstate New York and to Disney World. But again, our relationship faded as we grew older. Though they are still in the area, I find it difficult to connect with them.

After all of that in my childhood, this past decade was probably more difficult. I think it was my second year in college when my parents got a divorce. Though I had a few good friends in college, the amount of love and relational investment I could put in was reduced. My emotional capacity for friends and loving familial connections were compromised as I coped with the traumatic event and the fallout that followed. Relationships continued to take a back seat emotionally as my mind dealt with the changes years after my parents separated - they both got remarried and as a result my only childhood home had to be sold.

Hard times continued even after that. If you know me well, you know Nyack College was a huge part of my identity. Pretty much everyone there knew me and loved me and my parents, as they both worked there. It was everything to me – my school, my back yard, my workplace, my friends’ hangout, basically my hometown. I was very sad to hear the campus was closing – it was akin to saying that my hometown would be closed.

Health issues in my family also complicated my focus, or lack thereof, of relationships I needed. In the last 3 years alone, all 3 women I cared about were sick. My Wife, Kelsey, needed a kidney transplant and that took up a LOT of our focus as we tried to find donors and made plans for surgery and care afterwards. My mother had several heart oblations shortly after she got married, and my grandmother developed a cancer for a second time, as well as a knee replacement.

All the things above took a heavy toll on my heart, heavier each time I think about it really. The events I experienced did not allow my brain to grow in places it needed to or create the deep relationships I craved. To be clear I’m not blaming anyone, but it is I feel what happened. As I recover from these events, Friendish has given me a special framework to start developing the kinds of relationship I need and can depend on.

Friendish reads like a field manual for healthy friendships. Much of the book depends on the idea of God as our best friend and how He should always be our primary relationship, one to provide us with all the love and affection we need. When his Love is flowing that way towards us, we can love and support our friends the way we are intended to, without having our own agenda for a relationship.

When Jesus is not central in our lives, friends can become idols. This is both bad for us and God because we replace God and that offends him, but it also cut’s us off from our deepest need. God knows that we have a deep desire for connection that only He can fill, so when we misuse that desire and put it on other people, it’s like drinking saltwater – our thirst only deepens for true and intimate connection. It’s important to note that this does not only apply to our friends but to our spouses and children as well. The desire for human connection is not wrong, but when put above God it creates problems.

Friendish also highlights the need for friendship and human companionship – God did not think it was good for man to be alone. People need other people; it is built into our DNA. Everyone needs friends, we are not meant to go through life’s trials alone. However, the motivation for friendship is important - To make good Christ centered relationships, we cannot be motivated by personal gain like wealth, favor, or fame. On the contrary, true friends come into the relationship with the goal of supporting each other and pointing each other to Christ.

Friendish talks in detail about both healthy and unhealthy friendship dynamics, such as how healthy biblical friendships are formed and how they operate as well as what an idol-based relationship looks like and how to either end it or help it heal into something better. I won’t go into detail here, but if that sounds like something you want to learn more about, I suggest pick up a copy of the book (as I always do).

At this point in the blog, I want to share with you some highlights that stood out to me…

“Loneliness is not primarily a people problem but an unbelief problem; it’s an unwillingness to turn the God to meet our souls’ deepest needs.”

As a married man, I still get lonely. I think everyone does one time or another, even in a crowd. God made us in a way that we would crave Him, rightly so because he is able to fully and completely identify and love and empathize with us; ONLY Him. To look to someone else for that same fulfillment is folly, people are sinful and fail, even with the best upbringing and intentions, they can’t handle us like God can. Realizing this truth makes all the difference and causes us to desire God more.

“And this is the heartbeat behind Christian friendship. It is companionship forged in the fire of conviction that Jesus alone can satisfy our souls.”

What this is saying is good friends point you to Jesus, not to themselves or other affections.

“Though he was God and needed nothing from mankind, he chose to live out his obedience in the company of friends. He brought them into the very personal and intimate moments of his life, even though I brought him great harm… Jesus has the scars that being friends with sinners brings even so, he valued friendship and so must we.”

Jesus, God incarnate in flesh, needed friends. Personally, this hit me. With my relationship history, I wanted to feel that I didn’t need anyone, or I even felt guilty when I felt like I had to rely on someone. This brought to light that it’s ok to need people, Jesus had this same need. This sometimes comes with cost, as humans do human things. Jesus loved and befriended Judas, knowing he would betray him and hurt him.

“ ’On the one hand I say I need you. God has appointed you as a means of grace to help me endure to the end. But on the other hand, I must say that the only way you can really help me is by saying something or doing something that will cause me to depend on God and not you.’(John Piper) Friendship is an irreplaceable gift of God. But like all of Gods gifts, it matters that we receive and enjoy it and God’s way.”

Friendship is a gift from God to be enjoyed, but not above him. This made me feel guilty at first, because honestly, like many of us I think, my relationship with God doesn’t feel more affectionate than my friends sometimes. God has patience though; He knows our limited understanding of Him and our somewhat physically distant relationship with him. With His guidance, we’ll get there.

“it can feel great to be needed, to be essential to someone else’s existence, to know that you matter because your friend cannot thrive without you. Being highly esteemed by one person is often more attractive than being his teams by many people… but here this: it is a sin to act like a savior to other people.”

The section this quote comes from is how you can tell a friendship is replacing Jesus. It’s a great section, but I can’t cover it all here. I share this one because it spoke a bit to me.

I’ve become a bit of a compassionate person over the years. Being close with my mom and grandmother, I’m a bit softer than the average man. Don’t get me wrong I’m still very much a dude who like Star Wars, hiking, stuff like that, but I also have a sensitive side. The personality God developed in me allows me connections and conversations some guys would rather avoid and shy away from.

What I wrestle with is this. I enjoy these conversations, they make me feel good, they make feel competent and important that people tell me things. Because of that, i'm worried if I apply to the above. In the past I have felt tinges of insecurity, threatened even. It was a new season of loneliness for me with my mom not being around, as well as a time where I felt lost in the mix as everyone was focusing on the Kidney transplant of my wife. I didn’t feel any eyes on me, so I wonder if subconsciously I hung onto that advice giving and listening and helping to make me feel connected and “looked at”. But, knowing what I know now, I should have known God was there every step, and went to him for love and affection.

There are parts of me though that say I’m worrying too much. I know I’m not Jesus to anyone and never could be. When I do speak, my ultimate goal is for the other person to not rely on me but to know Jesus better. I don't speak in a manipulative way, so people come back to me for more, but I genuinely want the best for my friends and family, and it feels good to share.

Even if I did feel this way, my new and improved relationship with God covers it. He has grace for this sin too, and as my relationship with Him gets better, this need would dissipate or transform into the Joy of serving Him in my own unique way. From other reading I have done, I know there’s opportunity for that, and that God would partner with me in that calling / method of reaching people.

“But marriage is not where fullness of joy is found anyway. It cannot and will not fully satisfy the human heart’s desire for connection. It is only the shadow; union with Christ is the substance. Only union with Christ can quench the thirsty soul.”

I think this is important for any couple to hear; married or otherwise. Your partner is your partner, and love is awesome, and the union provided by God. But, it cannot on its own provide everything. I love Kelsey to bits, but I’m not ashamed to say I need more, because i'm human and I’m designed to need God as well as other friends and family who love and care about me. Those who think complete fulfillment and joy will come through marriage or another relationship are doomed to abandon it, thinking that feeling is possible with someone else. Loving God allows us to love our spouses as we should, it has to flow from the top down.

“Often it takes a season of God retraining our hearts and minds to experience the freedom that is already hours. This season of cultivating dependency on God can feel like a wilderness, a difficult season of sanctification.”

I felt this in the past, where God was the only one close to me. I wondered what was going on at first, and I was angry. Game nights became less frequent because of how I was feeling and times of connection with people I cared about were often thwarted. Though it was painful, i'm thankful for it because it showed me how God is always there no matter what, and I was able to focus on my relationship with Him.

“buyer beware: friendship with God it’s not as warm and fuzzy as some would have you think… As we draw near to him, it will, by nature, expose how far from perfect we find ourselves. Intimacy with God requires a revelation of our own depravity.”

Pretty self-explanatory, I think! As I’ve drawn nearer to God, I find myself repenting for a lot more than I have before, but it feels good, because I know God is quick to forgive and loves my innermost parts, broken or not.

“To love Him we must draw near to admire his character, and when we do, we will be forced to on the selfishness in us. But this is not bad news! We do not become more sinful by approaching God; we simply become aware of the sinfulness that was already there. This awareness only deepens our love for the work of Jesus. It causes us to cling more tightly to him and loosen our group on our own works. Nothing could be safer for our souls.”

“interacting with God is more like writing letters back-and-forth and talking on the phone. When we pursue him by reading his word and praying, we write a letter. Several days of this may pass while we wait anxiously for the arrival of a response. And when it comes, like a personal letter in the mailbox, we suck it up and respond back.”

“one day, we will be united physically with the God we love. One day, we will get to speak with him face-to-face and feel the warmth of his embrace.”

The quotes above helped me have a new type of relationship with God that was more tangible.

“the local church is a nonnegotiable in our relationship with God. Since we have been adopted by God into a family, we now have brothers and sisters in the faith.”

“being able to live isolated and without community is not a sign of health but of pride. If God says we need other people, then it is humble and wise to embrace that we need and seek to have it met.”

“Our churches should operate as a spiritual family. For we are indeed brothers and sisters adopted by the same heavenly father. So, it’s right for us to be there for each other like the family that we are… Our spiritual family is more, real more lasting, and more satisfying than the earthly family.”

“there’s a form of family that outlasts our biological family. A spiritual family tied not by blood but by belief in Jesus as our savior. Our friends who love and follow Jesus are truly are friends forever. They are our brothers and sisters in the faith our spiritual family by way of adoption, as important as blood relatives.”

These quotes were comforting to me this past year because of my own blood family dynamics (see personal context above). I felt disconnected and a bit abandoned at times by loved ones, even if it wasn’t intentional. I felt “lost in the mix", or people were looking the other way. The quotes above made me realize the feelings of family were not dependent on

my parents or those related to me - I could having intimate and loving familial connections through God’s family - and I was able to regain some joy with some new family members God has placed in my life from the church (Shout out to my friends at church on the right to my O'hana above, I love you!)

“we are free to be the most interesting person in the room, not the most interesting. Because the God of the universe has miraculously showed an interest in center such as us, we can have her eyes open to what’s happening with others… Good friends initiate conversations ask questions and listen well.”

“our friendship with Jesus reminds us that we already have more honor and significance than any human inner circle can provide us with.”

These quotes help remind me how to be a good friend. I don’t need my needs met by friendships, even though I feel like it sometimes. I have to train myself to go to Jesus for my needs so I can care for others better and not have my own selfish agenda.

“so, what is biblical encouragement? It’s not hollow platitudes telling someone how great they are. Encouragement is giving courage and strength to where your heart by reminding them of what is true and calling them to whatever obedience lies ahead.”

“the ‘love’ our world is selling is that of unconditional acceptance. I love that says, if you want to tie yourself to the train tracks, it’s our job to cheer you on. It’s a love as worthless as a doctor who never diagnosis or a teacher who never corrects. True love flights for the greatest good of another. It tells you about cancer, though it brings tears, with the hope that you will get treatment and live… True love drags the friend away from the tracks with the train is careening forward, even when they kick and scream.”

Friendship doesn’t always look friendly! The quote above is a huge challenge for me sometimes. I love my friends, and I am afraid to lose them sometimes. But I need to remember God wants us to sometimes stab each other in the front, and really it shows more love, not less when a flaw is pointed out for the sake of a friend, even if it causes some tension. As a side note though, this doesn’t mean you go and correct everyone. I think this correction is due some maturity in the relationship, where the other person truly understands you are bringing it to light for their benefit. Without a long-standing relationship, that can be hard to see or understand, especially if the helpful wound hits a sore spot.

Here’s a good quote I found when thinking of doing this for a friend:

“before you approach your friend about their sin, take some time in prayer to ask God to expose anything in your own heart, especially anything that is of the same nature is what you need to address. Humbling ourselves before God makes us gentle surgeons when it comes to wounding others. We only wound when necessary, and we do so to cause the least amount of damage. When we have to have a look at her own failures, we are more kind to others and theirs."

One valuable lesson I learned from this book was about social media. Humans were not designed to live in intimate, helpful, and personal relationships across a digital medium, and we have limitations. Check out this quote…

“Assuming we have no limits breeds of host problems in our friendships. First, we become unwilling to let friendships come to a close. We have no category for seasonal friendships or assume that if we truly care about people, will always and forever keep up with them. But this is impossible! We cannot daily add new friends to the mix and maintain all the old. it’s a recipe for burn out… Our command is not to love our Facebook friends as ourselves, to love our preferred friends as ourselves, or to love our oldest friends as ourselves, but to love our neighbors as ourselves… we must give preference to proximity, even when the digital world tells this location is an unnecessary limit.”

There is plenty more in this book to cover, but that’s what stood out to me. Hope you will read the rest!