My thoughts on the book "Being an Uncle"

Maybe to most people, writing this kind of blog post now seems like poor timing. For me this is therapeutic, giving me a bit of a headspace away from my current hospital environment.

Currently, as I write, I have Kelsey next to me trying to take a nap and fighting the urge to scratch itches caused by the medicine in the IV – correction, my in-laws Don and Nina are also in the process of passing out!

For those of you who might have not been aware, my wife Kelsey has just received a kidney - she has been needing one for the past year or more. The past 48 hours or so have been full of discussions of how everything had gone so well and how everyone is so happy about the wait being over, myself included of course!

I don’t think I processed the whole kidney ordeal. I told a few friends that I feel like a dump bucket at a water park, expecting that I will let out torrent of my emotions all at once, but that hasn’t happened yet. I decided instead of trying to force myself to process all that happened with the kidney this past year, I’ll try to let those thoughts slip into the background for now and talk about something entirely different, a book I read called Being an Uncle.

Being an Uncle seems like a good place to start talking about books. This book in particular is not the first or even a favorite book I have read, but it is nice and short – which makes it easy to collect my thoughts on it.

I guess I should start with why I read this book in the first place. I think there were really a few reasons.

Firstly, I have found myself in a transitional season of my life. Specifically, I noticed how some youth in my life have started to treat me differently. I got a sense that some of my relationships with these young people have evolved into something that included more depth and responsibility, especially the relationships with my nieces Victoria and Madeline.

I first noticed this relational change when I was at the pool with my family this summer. Tt was a wakeup call for me when Victoria, my 5 year old niece, asked me to bring her to change out of her swimsuit in the restroom. I come from a small family with no siblings or younger cousins, so this interaction was completely foreign to me. I was simply caught off guard that Victoria had seen me being THAT kind of person in her life – it simply had never occurred to me.

That interaction prompted me to better understand my role as an uncle, as I realized how ill-equipped I had been from lack of my own familial experience. Reading this book was a result of that desire to fill the uncle role well.

Secondly, I needed a better focus. Kelsey and I would like to have a family of our own, but right now it is simply not our time. Sometimes It’s hard to scroll on Facebook and see the baby pictures of friends that are my age. I didn’t use to care as much, but something changed in my mind where I really wanted to start investing in the younger generation, namely having the joy and freedom that comes with raising your own child. Instead of being pre-occupied with that dream, reading this book has enabled me to focus and get excited about my role as an uncle at this time in my life – fatherhood can wait.

Reading what I just wrote, I think somehow, I hit the 7th stage or Erik Erikson’s stages of mental development, “generativity vs stagnation”. I imagine the reason for this change of mental state was how some youth were starting to treat me; I perceived what I did and said mattered to them, driving me to make sure those things I did and said had a positive impact on them.

When I first started reading Being an Uncle, I was excited. The first few chapters introduced the author, Guy Ilagan, in a really authentic and relatable way. Guy is unable to have children of his own, which in a way reminded me of my own current situation, though not as extreme. Guy has been a mental health counselor for 15 years, which gave me hope that this book wouldn’t have tacky throwaway advice but deep and useful content.

Guy wrote VERY casually, which in some ways was nice, but also at times fell short of my expectations. Though the first few chapters had some good nuggets of advice, a lot of the book was focused on outings and activities one would do with a small troop of nieces (Guy had 6 of them!). I think this might be helpful for me later as my nieces get older and I have more capacity to host such outings or activities, but for now I found those chapters uninteresting.

Generally, when I read a book, I highlight in two colors, yellow and pink. (pink tends to stand out more). Yellow is for general things that are important to remember, whereas pink is especially relevant to my life or something revolutionary to my mind. Below are the highlights and my thoughts about them.

“I most remember their positive feelings, words, and actions towards me. They were just being themselves, but with me tagging along”.

Guy was writing about what he remembered about his own aunts and uncles. This was a good reminder for me not to try too hard. People love me for me – for me to be the best uncle, I need to be myself. I don’t need to plan big fun outings or buy fun gifts, but just be a positive role model and a fun person to be around.

“...praise their intellect, thoughtfulness, and budding talents… Whatever I praised and paid attention to would be the things they would do more of.”

This innately made sense to me, but it was good to re-affirm this idea in my head. It is way more important to reaffirm the good things than it is to point out the bad things. I learned from this whenever I am with a young one I care about, I make sure to be vigilant for positive behavior to acknowledge it, even if it’s something small like “Victoria, thank you for saying please and asking so nicely, that was very sweet of you.” What kid wouldn’t want to do it more after hearing that?

When I played in the pool with my Victoria, I asked her only once to say “please” before spinning her around in the pool. It was totally unnecessary and totally cute, but Victoria proceeded to say please EVERY SINGLE TIME. She saw that It pleased me for her to say that, or at the very least guaranteed more spins, so she continued the behavior.

“They (kids) do like to be believed, trusted, and taken seriously… I know that if I am not careful with them or seen by them as a person concerned for their welfare, they will not trust me.”

This is huge. It’s so easy to see the issues of a younger person and dismiss them, especially when it comes to high school drama. Something in us wants no part of it, and it can even seem unhealthy to show that it has any credence in “real” life. However, to a teen that kind of drama is “real” life, they have no barometer for more mature issues, to them that is the peak of misery.

I’m starting to realize as I’m writing the youth leader side of me is mixing with the uncle, but I think its valuable to take the time and attempt to understand what a teen might be going through. Going a step further, repeating back to them what is understood shows that you are processing what they have to say. As a result, teens feel heard and validated, and sometimes that’s enough. Doing this displays to them the above quote, that you take them seriously and are concerned for their welfare.

“...my no-kids status placed me in a unique and advantaged position as an uncle.”

As I stated before, this encouraged me to focus on being an uncle rather than a father right now, as it seems like where God has placed me for the time being. Picking up this book to focus and study that role has given me joy and peace in this otherwise tumultuous time of life. It’s also a fun reminder that I get to give my nieces back and don’t have to deal with all the complicated parenting stuff…

“Will the parents of your nieces and nephews actively support your authority?”

This thought had not crossed my mind, I guess I thought it was kind of automatic. A good point Guy makes right after this quote is to have the parents remind the kids of their uncle’s authority and to honor their requests.

Authority is a funny thing because the uncle wants to be the fun guy, not the bad guy. At the same time, some situations call for attentive and immediate obedience. Having a conversation ahead of time about authority, especially before an outing like a camping or boating trip, makes this transfer of power easier and clearer, making the whole experience better for everyone.

“Many of us have young people in our lives for whom we can step in as their uncle… Our roles as an unofficial uncle to the children around us is an investment in their lives. I cannot think of a more worthwhile endeavor than to decide to be an uncle to someone.”

This one hit me big time. I wanted to invest these new feelings as an uncle to people outside my family, but I wasn’t sure if that feeling was valid or if that investment would be accepted in a public view. This quote had given me peace that I was not alone, and it was a relief that a mental health therapist was able to write to the letter about how I wanted to feel about the matter.

It excites me now that I can invest in someone with an energy and thought process similar to how I would invest in my nieces. Looking back at my own history, my feelings are valid and familiar. I have cherished memories of my adopted siblings growing up, from playing Sega Genesis with my brother Fritz to dancing to Backstreet Boys with my sister Shelda. I did not know or care about the difference if they were actually blood related or not, I just simply loved them as family.

Overall, Being an Uncle helped me figure out this new stage of my life. I’m thankful for the author being authentic and relatable, making this book such a breeze to read and process. If you find yourself in similar shoes, give it a read!